Sunday, August 10, 2008

Pigeon people

Recent market research has highlighted a public consensus that there just isn't enough pigeon content on these pages. I aim to rectify this now with perhaps the most shocking, gut-wrenching, nay horrifying pigeon scenes yet. I recently visited Ye Olde Yorke and stayed with writing's Dan Gray, 26, Edinburgh resident, to trace the footsteps of his youth and enjoy the questionable pleasure of a Middlesbrough F.C. pre-season friendly at Yorke Citie Effe Cee. But thrown in amongst all of that, while innocently supping pints of ale by the River Ouse, we were subjected to an episode of unprecented and unfathomable trauma.

This pair of loons see fit to quite genuinely feed pigeons in the street. They allow the feathered fucks to clamber all over their naked hands, sometimes even carressing their backs while they nibble away at their pores. This constitutes recklessness on a gargantuan scale, and they were outrageously brazen about it all. Other punters were forced to flee the scene - many of them visibly upset - and yet all these cretins could say was: "They're harmless... they're harmless". HARMLESS! What a hideous lack of awareness. What total insanity. And what a flagrant disregard for humanity, seemingly going totally unmonitored by the authorities. As ageing's Dan, 42 in December 2023, is so fond of saying: this is how Nazi Germany started.

The bizarre series of events was topped off by the bemusing presence of the pair's complimentary BBC Radio Five Live sports bag resting on the table throughout. This served to escalate the surreality of this situation even further, which quite extraordinarily, was somehow possible. As I struggled to retain any sense of composure and writhed uncontrollably, Dan displayed enough calmness and professionalism to capture these images. They must now be widely circulated so that these bad bastards can be identified by the relevant authorities, sending a clear message to the population that feeding vicious vermin is a downright bad idea. Rather than being ashamed of their actions, they seemed evidently boastful of the fact they were setting civilisation back about twenty years. Sick. I don't want to be part of this pigeon festival. They must be punished.