Monday, June 02, 2008

You Woke Up My Neighbourhood

Contrary to popular belief, my nemesi (pl.) pigeons are not the only thing terrorising me here in Flat C. I've never mentioned it before, as I generally don't like to cause a fuss, but there is another menace attempting to jeopardise my contentment in the ganglands of south Manchester. And no, it's not the guns; I can handle those, so long as they're not too heavy, excessively hot, or real. The problem is the girl living directly beneath our flat who stages painfully loud and quite literally blazing rows with her boyfriend. She is an utter nutter. These one-sided rows (he rarely responds) often last a number of hours, or if not, will occur several times a day. Ever since moving in last September, I have been regularly disturbed from my most important domestic functions - sleep, gambling, and darts - by what can only be described as primal barking from her below, a.k.a. The Shrieking Hound. Better seen and not heard, alright luv? Best regards, Richard Littlejohn.

This morning took the biscuit, and I mean that quite literally (I'm hoping to get the Chocolate Hob-Nob back when the morning returns tomorrow). The day was booked off work in order to enjoy an extended lie-in and day of recuperation following a weekend in Edinburgh for the marriage of friend and serial commentee on this here so-called blog, Dan, 26, orator. After such a meandering journey of emotional excess and drink-filled days and nights, I surely deserved to surpass the 11am mark. Instead, I was awake by 8am because of that bloody girl and her white noise. Who the hell decides to have a row at that time of the day? I couldn't have been more rudely awoken unless I'd been bashed over the head with a massive phallic ornament with speech capabilities and which repeatedly uttered in my ear such wild obscenities as 'tits', 'nutfuck' and 'quackerknacker'.

It's very hard to convey precisely how ridiculous this woman is. But it's worth noting that on one occasion she began her barking at 3.30am and continued all the way through until around 8am. Incredible stamina. It's often quite hard to decipher what these rows are about, but I would suggest it's something similar to 'nothing'. She often runs like this: "You're HORRIBLE! HORRIBLE SHIT... you are SO horrible! You do it again, you do it AGAIN... do it AGAIN, AGAIN; AGAI-AGAI-AGAI-AGAI-AGAI-AGAIN!!" What her poor, suffering boyfriend keeps doing again and again has been a mystery, but this morning she went slightly off script and delivered this insightful gem: "You were on Facebook for THREE HOURS, and you didn't even LOOK AT ME!" Priceless.

I'll never comprehend where people find the energy to get so angry as her. It seems far too much of an effort to me. Plus, in a true 'boy who cried wolf' style, when she's got a genuine problem in life her cries for help will probably go ignored. There is a school of thought which dictates that we should let our emotions hang out (literally) and release our angry feelings, but I say bollocks to that. 'Bollocks to that.' Bottle it all up whenever possible - that's my policy. Firstly, it doesn't ruin other people's lives, and secondly, it also helps you remain more sane. When annoying things happen to me, I always try to ensure I retain some perspective rather than (literally) lose my head. For instance, a couple of weeks ago my car window was put through by someone - I strongly suspect a pigeon - and, although it was irritating, I didn't scream and shout. That's how bloody great I am. I instead thought about all the far worse things which have happened in life, could have happened that day or which will happen in the future, such as deaths in the family, a lasting debilitating injury, or Boro releasing Emmanuel Pogatetz from his contract. While some say it's a character flaw to be incapable of displaying extreme emotions, I can now inform you that they are wrong. WRONG, I TELL YOU! Now PISS OFF! OUT! GO AWAY! ARGGGGHHHHHHH!!!111!1 FFS.


Blogger D.B. said...


"You were on Facebook for THREE HOURS, and you didn't even LOOK AT ME!"

To be fair, every woman needs a man who at least looks at her every now and again, even while he's on Facebook.

Good to see you blogging again, pal. I miss these posts and treasure them in the manner of Only Fools And Horses Christmas Specials -- all the more tantalizingly enjoyable for being irregular.

June 03, 2008 8:07 pm  
Blogger Paddy said...

I think you meant that as a compliment. But I suppose it depends on your opinion of the later Only Fools and Horses Christmas specials. I generally aim to make posts less painfully cringeworthy than them, but no doubt fail.

I think Facebook must be ruining relationships up and down the country. And I expect he constantly updates his status to say ' ignoring his girlfriend'. I don't blame him though. Maybe she should upgrade... TO A NEW FACE. < / Partridge >

June 03, 2008 10:15 pm  
Blogger Paddy said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

June 03, 2008 10:16 pm  
Blogger Toby said...

you should be able to find her on facebook... you can snatch her mail to get her name. Then together (the bloggers and the general internet busybodies)can make her online existance hell. Hopefully that won't result in another outburst.

June 04, 2008 11:53 pm  
Blogger Paddy said...

We had considered trying to look them up actually. If I ever manage to acquire her as a Facebook friend, I plan to Super Poke her to death. And then pin up her drained white body on her very own Super Wall.

June 05, 2008 9:26 pm  
Blogger D.B. said...

I see what you mean re: Only Fools And Horses. Those later episodes were so bad I'd erased them from my mind completely. Rest assured, though, that I was referring to the old Christmas specials, the classics, such as the one where they dress up as Batman and Robin etc. Your blog is like those ones.

I think you and your flatmane should stage your own blazing arguments just to get revenge. Sit down, get some material written, and then just scream it at each other. Something pigeon-related would be perfect. Maybe if your neighbours heard you screaming about pigeons, followed by the sound of gunshots, they'd think twice about being so disruptive.

June 11, 2008 10:27 am  
Blogger Nabby Adams said...

Deep sympathy. The couple in the flat above me are also very loud and aggressive. I get to hear a good deal about their domestic traumas. The other day he caught her red-handed in the act of sending a text message. "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TEXTING, YOU SLAG?" he enquired. And not in a whisper, either. It was probably the Samaritans. Last weekend they were talking (or shouting) about theology. She to him: "I STOPPED BELIEVING IN HEAVEN LONG BEFORE I MET YOU." You couldn't make it up, as Glenda Slagg is fond of saying in her Daily Mail column.

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