Friday, September 08, 2006

Six new career options for Tony Blair

1. Rock star
This was always Blair's true vocation in life anyway. He's got the look, the attitude, the 'two-fingers-to-you' approach to life, and he's down with the kids. Plus he's always been a great performer. Let's not forget this is the man whose well-oiled New Labour machine has taken performance politics to new levels. He can put on quite a stageshow.

2. News Corp.
The most vaunted career for Tony when he leaves Number 10 (I mean 11) is to take up a job with the massive media git Rupert Murdoch. Only last month, Blair was over in California to put himself forward before News Corp executives, who were presumably instantly wooed as he demonstrated his insatiable British charm by standing up and salivating. To rapturous applause. Anyway, Murdoch will give him a job because he loves winners. And who could be a bigger winner than a man who's just been forced from government by an intra-party rebellion that might leave the Labour party on its knees? Nice one Murdoch.

3. US lecture circuit
If he doesn't fancy a proper job there's always the option of prancing about various places and sharing his wisdom with people. He could do it in America, because they just love him over there. Seemingly for the same reasons he's disliked back here. That slimy presidential demeanour; the perfect, gleaming and overly eager smile. The way he can sound extremely eloquent and rational without actually saying anything. The sheer lack of substance to the man, most Americans love that... "such statesmanship!" Alright enough already.

4. Eastenders
Blair would fit in well in Albert Square. He's already got the estuary English pinned down afterall. It's always funny whenever he appears on ITV and adopts that cockerknee voice. All those dropped 'h's and glottal stops on GMTV weren't for nothing Tony... now you can carve yourself a career in soapland. In the launderette: "Ee Powleen, ah farncy a nice 'oliday sarmewhere exci'in'."

5. Adverts for HP Sauce
He'd be the perfect face for the product. I'm told he's worked in the Houses Of Parliament a fair bit. And of course, all of this fuss about his departure date initially came from (Gordon) Brown sauces. Geddit? Sources... sauces? Brown sources? Good.

6. Sign for Newcastle United
Tony is a big Newcastle United fan, you'll always see him there on the terraces at 3 o'clock on a Saturday afternoon waving his arms about like a twat. But more importantly, the Geordies are still desperate to find a high-profile replacement for their striking sensation Alan Sheerah. So desperate they've signed Antoine Sibierski. Blair could be the answer to Geordie prayers (sorry, "preeahs"). He's a predator, and rarely misses the target. Just ask anyone in Baghdad. Plus, he'll be a legend because I'm always reading how 'they love their strikers up in Newcastle'. Unlike the rest of us of course, who can take or leave a prolific goalscorer and prefer to idolise our workmanlike right-backs or dogged midfield ball-winners. But I digress.


Anonymous very powerful moss said...

Such a ‘big club’ with such a ‘loyal’ fanbase ‘deserve’ someone like Tony to lift them to their ‘rightful’ position.

As a seventh option I believe he would make an extremely watchable day time chat show host. He could easily steal the 'nations best' mantel from Trisha. I would love to see how his patronising and self righteous manner goes down with C.H.A.V's.

September 08, 2006 8:38 pm  
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