Thursday, August 03, 2006

Is this the greatest invention since The Wheel?

Possibly not. But it's certainly the best since people reinvented unsliced loaves, or first developed those contraptions you use to make melon balls.

A whopping 49cm of sheer plastic, it was introduced to the family home by my mother following a purchase for the princely sum of 79p from the local miscellaneous tat establishment, Boyes. Truly a purchase to alter the way we live our lives, the very tissue of our existence. Fly-swatting will never be the same again. Gone are the days of frustration of prancing about any given room with a rolled-up copy of the local evening paper, frantically slapping it towards flies who are always too quick, and may require at least seven murder attempts before witnessing their joyous elimination.

They've been particularly prevalent over the last few weeks with this nasty, oppressive heat wave we've been having. But since the glorious contraption pictured above entered my life, I've never needed a second swing. Every fly goes down with the first swat. The adrenalin rushes, my testosterone levels explode in a shower of machismo. When armed with this instrument I truly am the Daddy - do not cross me.

P.S. It also has many other uses, including the use of the white mesh-like structure for sieving flour while baking a lovely cake. If you have any other suggestions for the use of the fly-swatter, please do add a comment and I'll test it out.


Anonymous The Chubby West Country Pervert said...

Well well, that politics degree came in handy didn't it. Smutty remarks about various politcians crossdressing and then an extremely educational piece about fly swats. The only thing that really interested me was whether that was Patrick on stage with BSP in a tin foil/cardboard box combo. I would recognise those lily white thighs and lumbering gait anywhere. An albino Paulo Wanchope with a shock of red hair. Ah yes it brings back wonderful memories. However, i believe it says some where in the bible (along with all characters and events in said book are fictional and any similarity with people alive or dead is entirely coincidental) let he who is without sin cast the first stone. My point, which i will get to eventually, is that patrick is not as innocent as many people think. Oh no. All night sessions with Claire King from Emmerdale fuelled by coke and gutter lust is one . Apparently paddy committed all 7 deadly sins and invented a few more. Awful things happened with crabsticks and gravel. His seedy exploits were going to be exposed by the News of the World but the editor wimped out at the last minute. They felt that the events were so shocking that anyone reading them would be corrupted forever. Sinking into an endless spiral of incapacity benefits, micro chips and lottery tickets. The poor reader would become useless to society and end up working in a TV licensing call centre for 5.50 ph.
And another thing, for paddy to find out about the flake crumbling in the bath did he actually do some research into this? Surely there are some laws banning this horrible imagery. The last thing i want to think about is "The Padster"tm gorging himself on quality chocolate while i am eating my Special K. I am not intersted in whether you get chocolate caught up in your leg hair. Its a rather disconcerting image that has been seared into my concscience. Perhaps he is in a particularly deep funk because big Franck has left him for the big light of London and a chocolate frenzy is the only way to comfort himself. There are plenty more fish in the sea.
And on that bombshell i must wish you adieu, it has been too long paddy.
Larry jr

August 05, 2006 1:16 pm  
Blogger Paddy said...

Thank you for that insight Lord Lynch. I was innocent until I met you with your barbaric Bristolite ways. And you certainly pack quite some verbal punch for someone who essentially boils down to a more beery-looking version of Ray Houghton. He's always remembered for one glorious moment at Italia90 but the rest is just a blur; much like your appearances at 5-a-side I'd proffer.

But anyway, you never did get round to suggesting your idea for another use for the fly swat. Come on people, don't be shy.

August 05, 2006 10:46 pm  
Anonymous Laura said...

Boyes isn't all tat!!! I have purchased many a wonderful item from the guisborough branch.

You could take your Birdseye Potato Waffles out of the oven with your swatter. Or slap someone playfully on the bottom. I could go on....

August 05, 2006 10:58 pm  
Blogger Paddy said...

Good work Laura, I like the new look on your myspace page.

This very afternoon I've already guided two light aircraft into my garden with the fly swat in one hand and a coloured bat in the other. This was after also using it as a shoe horn before going out into said garden. The possibilities are endless here.

August 06, 2006 7:03 pm  
Anonymous Laura said...

It could also serve as a catapult. Imagine the different kinds of fruit you could send flying through the air!!

Note to self: buy fly swatter.

August 10, 2006 7:10 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ray Houghton is most famously remembered for his winning goal against Italy at USA 94, not Italia 90.

August 13, 2006 8:00 pm  
Blogger Paddy said...

Clever clogs.

August 15, 2006 11:52 pm  
Anonymous ray houghton said...

Poor old stan staunton is in dire straits. Paddy, can you using your vast intellect come up with a plan? We asked bobby robson but he is busy having his piss bag changed.

August 17, 2006 2:24 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Not forgetting that grape sized tumour.

August 20, 2006 9:06 pm  
Blogger Paddy said...

Houghton, funnily enough you were the first to spring to mind when I heard about Staunton being held at gunpoint by a crazed irishman who looked to be in his 30s. I always wondered why you carry that gun in your pocket.

And look at this.
Stan and Bobby

August 21, 2006 10:05 pm  
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