Thursday, August 23, 2007

Sausage assault

No, not what you're thinking. I was watching GMTV early this morning (forgive me Lord for I have sinned) when they interviewed the 12 year old boy who was arrested and taken to court for throwing a cocktail sausage at an older man. These kinds of stories always make it into the news because they're (a) amusing, (b) baffling, (u) unusual, and (gffuqnd) good for filling up quiet news days. Especially when it's the Silly Season, i.e. now.

Obviously, it's slightly ridiculous. For a start, if hoping to maim a man, your standard cocktail sausage is not the best means with which to strike: they're rubbery and will just bounce back off their body. I've done worse and escaped the law. I mildly concussed my brother in 1994 after launching a stale scone at him because he destroyed my Lego village in a fit of pique. It was a pre-meditated attack, and I even launched it vertically so that it would gather velocity on the way back down. Sanity prevailed and I escaped a court appearance, for which I'm forever grateful.

Despite knowing how GMTV operates, I was still stunned when the presenter, Kate Garraway, came out with this line: "Yes we may laugh about this story at first, but the clear message from a lot of our viewers via the emails and texts is that a cocktail sausage can be just the start, and lead on to much, much worse." She then managed to link the story to the 11 year old boy who was shot dead in Liverpool last night. You've just got to admire such instances of wanton sensationalism, outright stupidity, and apparent lack of irony when they come in one handy bundle.

It reminded me of one of my favourite scenes from Father Ted, where the old woman accosts Ted to vent her fears about Craggy Island's imminent descent into a criminal dangerzone after the theft of a whistle (Old Grey Whistle Theft, Series 2):

"Hello Father. Did you hear about the whistle being stolen? I never thought I'd see the like. What next? Somebody'll be murdered, and then where are we? Drive-by shootings in the night: it'll be like 'Boyz N The Hood'. And then we'll have whores selling their wares in the street. And the pimps'll be using crack to keep the whores under control. I'm going home now Father to lock myself in the basement 'til they catch that fella. Goodybe to ya Father." (YouTube clip: 1:07 onwards)

Goodbye to ya Father.


Blogger D.B. said...

Classic. The first few lines made me chuckle too: "I didn't know Sergeant Hodgins had a helicopter." "Oh yes. He had to get one in because of this whistle business..."

I quite fancy that gig next Monday, if it isn't sold out? I'll next be in Middlesbrough on Thursday so maybe I'll check then. Do you know where they're available from? Or where abouts Knights is?

August 28, 2007 9:10 pm  
Blogger Paddy said...

The gig is actually Tuesday (4th), I gave you the wrong date. It's not sold out as it stands but the others held at the Knights have been so it's worth getting a ticket beforehand. It's opposite the Dickens Inn on Southfield Road and you can either get them in there or through Seetickets. I haven't got mine either yet, mind.

August 28, 2007 10:19 pm  
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