Monday, December 17, 2007

If I can shoot rabbits then I can shoot morris dancers

Over the weekend we had a visitor in the unruly shape of Tom, 23, from the south, and in between walking him around Manchester's Christmas Markets and listening to him saying how cold it is in the north, we stumbled upon a morris dancing display. I still find it hard to understand what morris dancing, that wonderful example of good old 'English eccentricity' involving choreographed stepping and shuffling around while waving handkerchiefs and sticks, is really all about. At first glance it appears to be some kind of satanic ritual calling for the domination of evil in all of its most pure and potent forms. However upon further observation, it quickly becomes clear that it is nothing but a vehicle to advance homosexuality via the medium of public dance. These men skip about, dancing towards each other in a tantalising fashion before suddenly spinning away and grinning slyly, backed all the while by very dainty music. It is abundantly clear that morris dancing is purely a dancing means to a sexual end for these men, 50. Employing their white hankeys to symbolise their physical surrender to one another, their dancing is mere foreplay to the grand finale of a group orgy back on the tourbus. NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

Camp as houses.

However... having decided it was all about sex and nothing else, I then discovered it wasn't, afterall, anything of the sort and I had, incredibly, been totally mistaken. While observing proceedings and trying to avoid the gaze of the man walking around with a hat to collect money to fund this sordid ritual, I noticed a younger squad member standing at the side. On the subs bench, if you like. He only looked about 25, but was still kitted out in the full regalia: clogs, tassles, and all. There were, however, some crucial differences: he had a skinhead and was wearing a long, double-breasted, black leather trench coat, which clearly renders the man a fascist. And thus, this quandary is solved and the secret of morris dancers unearthed. I'm just surprised I hadn't picked up on it before given that those who take part are universally white, and seemingly at pains to appear overwhelmingly joyous - a surefire sign that somebody has something to hide. So there we have it. We allow these white supremacists to dance through our streets, throwing cash into their hats and applauding wildly in the absence of knowledge that these men, 50, are merely the friendly face of the BNP. Of course, we must let them perform in the name of freedom of dance, but equally we must confront and squash them, through rival dance if need be. Dance is the only language some of these fascists understand. And sex, of course. What depraved little men.

Important libel disclaimer: Not all morris dancers are fascists, just most of them.


Anonymous Jimi said...

I saw the morris dancers too, but can't say I reached the same conclusion as you. You know, I once worked at a countryside park and my boss actually suffered morris dance-induced injuries. He broke his foot. I don't know how, but I wouldn't be surprised if fascism had something to do with it. Maybe it's some hidden part of the ritual they don't advertise. He was a bit of an eco-fascist anyway. He lived in a van in the car park of the activity centre and frequently went without shoes. And he played the mandolin. And his name was Martin. Weirdo. Not that there's anything wrong with that...

December 18, 2007 9:39 am  
Blogger Paddy said...

The access you've gained to this seedy underworld of neofascist dancing through your working relationship with shoeless Martin, of no specified age, certified weirdo, is fascinating, Jimi. If only you'd happened to have a hidden camera with you, and had filmed all proceedings, we'd be able to make a critically acclaimed and award-winning documentary to be screened on BBC4. We'd be whistleblowers. It would be just like The Cook Report, except with no fat presenter and it'd actually reveal something.

But as you didn't have a camera, this won't happen.

December 18, 2007 4:00 pm  
Blogger Gez said...

Fantastic post - in every sense of the word.
I hate to compartmentalise but may I? May I?
I'm not convinced there are masses of black men who want to get involved in morris dancing but can't due to white domination. I think the reason all morris dancers are white is that no self respecting black man would be caught dead morris dancing.
Just a theory.

December 19, 2007 9:32 pm  
Blogger Paddy said...

I'll compartmentalise you in a minute (there's a new insult to use on the streets, or down dark alleys when confronted with a baying gang of baddies).

Anyway, I think your theory is correct.

December 20, 2007 9:08 pm  

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