The Pigeon(s)

Although most aspects of my 79 days of living in Manchester have been nothing but pleasurable, there are a couple of causes for chagrin surrounding my place of residence, otherwise known as Flat C. One of them is thus: it has transpired that our building is the number one hideout for the entire pigeon population of south Manchester. They while away the hours of the day on our roof - often in large gangs, wearing hoodies, swigging from bottles of cider and holding their hands down the front of their trousers. I remember when we moved in, I arrived first and while familiarising myself with the flat - exploring and opening cupboards and then closing them again, as you do - a pigeon suddenly flew into the windowpane, giving me a fright and sending me into tumult. I hoped this was an isolated incident, but it isn't and they plague us every day.

They flap and trot about, making quite a lot of noise and shedding feathers onto the Padmobile lying below. Whenever I deem it sensible to leave the flat, I hear them insult me. Yet when I glance skywards to let them know I heard what they said, all they do is smirk. I feel the pigeons are slowly grinding me down. I worry that their long-term intention involves driving us out of Flat C and taking over the property. I fear a coo.


The kitchen window (ignore the grime - it was already there when we moved in)

If there are any answers to all of this, I'm not aware of them. Short of calling in Tommy Saxondale with his pest control expertise, it would seem we are powerless to deal with the vermin in a legal way. I may have to resort to vigilante methods, such as leaning out the 'Velux' (yes, it's a brandname) window in the guest bedroom and throwing darts at them. Come to think of it, I remember once reading that if you feed uncooked rice to pigeons, they die on the spot because it clogs up their throats. Brilliant. I will try sprinkling the roof tiles with Basmati and provide an update from my prison cell.

"You can't kill it, but you can't live, live with it either, never, no human being can go on living in the same house with a pigeon, a pigeon is the epitome of chaos and anarchy, a pigeon that whizzes around unpredictably, that sets its claws in you, picks at your eyes, a pigeon that never stops soiling and spreading the filth and havoc of bacteria and meningitis virus, that doesn't just stay alone, one pigeon lures other pigeons, that leads to sexual intercourse and they breed at a frantic pace, a host of pigeons will lay siege, you won't be able to leave your room ever again, will have to starve, will suffocate in your excrement, will have to throw yourself out of the window and lie there smashed on the pavement, no, you're too much of a coward, you'll stay locked up in your room and scream for help, you'll scream for the fire brigade, for them to come with ladders and rescue you from a pigeon, from a pigeon!"

Patrick Suskind, 'The Pigeon'

See, they're so evil they even made Suskind forget how to punctuate properly.