Tosh

Since the start of February when I began my new job, which is so secretive and sensitive that I can't talk about it, I've been on a number of pointless training courses. The latest one took place on Tuesday this week, when I was called to a secluded hotel location in order to learn how to 'value diversity'. It was exactly the sort of human resource development claptrap I'd always hoped I wouldn't have to be subjected to, but it seems even in the public sector you're not safe from 'innovative and edgy' private companies delivering 'behavioural skills training' bollocks.

Aside from the fact I learnt what can only be described as nothing, the two women leading this day-long session were surely on steroids. They bounded around the room, gesticulating and screeching while speaking, as if they were petrified of losing the attention of those present (ha! As if). I was, quite literally, a fish out of water, but thankfully the 'executive de-stressing instruments' they'd put on the desks in the room saved me from lasting insanity. I spent a good forty minutes destressing with a miniature sponge globe in what can only be described as my right hand while watching the two women act out cringeworthy role plays about diversity in the workplace.

My favourite bits of the day were probably all the times we were asked to stand up, split into groups and gather around flip charts for 'thought showers'. I'd heard of brainstorming, and even blue sky thinking, but these thought showers are new to me. Mind you, I suppose they must be considered more hygienic than thought baths, where you become so submerged in contemplation that you're effectively sitting in your own dirty thoughts and your skin ends up going all wrinkly. Anyway, what a load of nonsense. I don't even need telling about diversity - I invented it. I am it.