The best things in life are free

A pair of chortles were provided by my first instalment of the local free paper, the South Manchester Reporter, when it arrived yesterday morning. The letters page is a splendidly archetypal catalogue of intensely regional gripes and pithy observations sent in by moaners and eccentrics. I quite liked the following letter from E Graham, Ladybarn, about the shortcomings of the length of the new platform at Mauldeth Road railway station. It’s not in the same league as Alfred H Lister, Guisborough, in the entertainment stakes (that would be ridiculous), but I’m always up for an unprovoked and seemingly arbitrary dig at Michael Palin so I liked it.

‘Walk to platform is far too long’

I look forward to using Mauldeth Road station after its refurbishment but was miffed at the distance from the road to the platform, even allowing for slopped access for the less able.

It is long enough for Michael Palin to present a programme on it.

Why didn’t they extend the platform to the bridge so the train could halt nearer the road, so reducing the trek for passengers? Couldn’t they construct a flight of steps closer to the road?

E Graham,
Ladybarn

I picture E Graham grabbing his/her head in both hands immediately after concluding the letter and screaming ‘Why?!’ repeatedly, and listening for a response in an empty room. ‘What have I done? Why do they make me walk this unnecessary distance?!’ Plus it really does say ‘slopped access’, which makes it all the better.

The ‘Love 2 Love’ personals page (tagline: “…fast, fresh, fun on your phone!”) threw up this gem:

Short M, 37, with no hair, wooden leg, one glass eye & twitch in t’other, looking for F, 30-45, n/s. Box 198094.

Even though it’s presumably a joke, I just love the fact he went to the effort to send it in. Maybe I'll respond.