Monday, November 27, 2006

Door Knocker Homogenisation

Whilst door knocker shopping earlier I became increasingly disenchanted with the range on offer. I visited no less than three major home-DIY retailers but all of them only stocked the same, boring design of knocker with a demeaning simple brass finish and absolutely no personality whatsoever. But with time at a premium and my options limited - to one option - I was forced to back down from my door knocker high ground and purchase a generic brass knocker like this one:



It is just another nail in the coffin for societal diversity when everyone is pushed towards buying generic knockers for their front doors. We've already had to deal with them homogenising high streets nationwide, not to mention our milk (the bastards), but our door knockers is taking it too far. It's time to stand up and be counted; to reject huge retailers like B&Q and Focus DIY and go independent for our knockers. I remember seeing this shop in London called Knobs and Knockers once, that's what we want (see website)! First impressions count.

I've had my knockers in my time, and these are my most recommended.

1) Lion's Head: Commands respect from the knocker-at-door. In my years as a paperboy I always made sure the weekend supplements didn't get chewed up in the letterbox if they had a lion's head.



2) Horse's Head: Lovely stuff. Classy, elegant, and best of all, a horse.


3) Buddha: Enough said.



4) Ball in Hand: Possibly a bit disturbing at first, but bound to provide hours of fun if locked out of home with a bit of time to kill on the doorstep.



5) Gargoyle: Petrifying. One for the gothics here. But I can't decide whether the eyes are meant to be like that or if it's just a bit of amateurish red-eye photography.



6) Elephantitis: More knockers like this on our streets will have a positive educational effect for our youngsters about this shocking disease. Plus it must be a right laugh banging those big heavy balls against a mahogany door.

17 Comments:

Anonymous Appreciator of Knockers said...

More people need to go into Google and type in 'novelty door knocker'.
Then no street in Britain would suffer the identi-kit disease you dispair of.
There is a varitable wealth of door knocker to be had. They come in a Galleon ship in full sail, a cricket bat, cheeky pixies,
Irish FAILTE Celtic Knot Mullingar Pewter Door Knocker, snakes, every specie of woodpecker conceivable, stags head, a clenched fist, even a minitaure horse shoe for good luck...bless.

Even the pagans are catered for with a sinster range of red-eyed bulldogs and demons.

And for you horse-lovers theres's a VERY VIVIDLY AND LIFELIKE bronze horse knocker (their capitals not mine to stress how convincing it really is..'Better not touch it in case it really is alive'.).

I now just wish I owned a door to strap one of the above to.

I didn't come across any swollen male glands. Don't know where you were looking.

December 29, 2006 11:03 pm  
Blogger Paddy said...

I think I found it on bangthoseglands.com. Always worth a peruse on a rainy night.

December 31, 2006 12:41 am  
Blogger schmatzy said...

I have been looking for the swollen male gland door knocker for quite a while now and cannot find anyone that sells it. Found a lot of people that want to buy it though....LOL Any help would be greatly appreciated!
Schmaty

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