Door Knocker Homogenisation

Whilst door knocker shopping earlier I became increasingly disenchanted with the range on offer. I visited no less than three major home-DIY retailers but all of them only stocked the same, boring design of knocker with a demeaning simple brass finish and absolutely no personality whatsoever. But with time at a premium and my options limited - to one option - I was forced to back down from my door knocker high ground and purchase a generic brass knocker like this one:



It is just another nail in the coffin for societal diversity when everyone is pushed towards buying generic knockers for their front doors. We've already had to deal with them homogenising high streets nationwide, not to mention our milk (the bastards), but our door knockers is taking it too far. It's time to stand up and be counted; to reject huge retailers like B&Q and Focus DIY and go independent for our knockers. I remember seeing this shop in London called Knobs and Knockers once, that's what we want (see website)! First impressions count.

I've had my knockers in my time, and these are my most recommended.

1) Lion's Head: Commands respect from the knocker-at-door. In my years as a paperboy I always made sure the weekend supplements didn't get chewed up in the letterbox if they had a lion's head.



2) Horse's Head: Lovely stuff. Classy, elegant, and best of all, a horse.


3) Buddha: Enough said.



4) Ball in Hand: Possibly a bit disturbing at first, but bound to provide hours of fun if locked out of home with a bit of time to kill on the doorstep.



5) Gargoyle: Petrifying. One for the gothics here. But I can't decide whether the eyes are meant to be like that or if it's just a bit of amateurish red-eye photography.



6) Elephantitis: More knockers like this on our streets will have a positive educational effect for our youngsters about this shocking disease. Plus it must be a right laugh banging those big heavy balls against a mahogany door.